delirium happy

Just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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delirium happy
I've been acused (in a non-acusatory sort of way, naturally) of having a journal where all my entries are too well planned, and strictly regimented. And although technically I very seldom actually plan anything that I write in here, I do see the point. See, what actually happens is that most of the things that I write about in here are things that I've played around in my mind somewhat beforehnad, which means that I generally know how the different threads of my thoughts interconnect and so can weave them together into a coherent whole that looks somewhat planned. I guess it's a useful skill.

Even so, I was challenged to try to write a journal entry that wasn't at all planned, but was more along the lines of a stream of consciousness. And since I'm never, or at least rarely, one to turn down a challenge, I thought I'd give it a go.

The first thing I should point out is how difficult this has actually been for me. I was given this challenge late last night, and I couldn't do it then because I was too tired and was going to bed shortly after. And then I couldn't do it for most of today because I was either being lazy or I was doing other things. I'd like to claim that it was entirely the latter, but the former had a definite part ot play as well. And I was doing other things, I was aware of this challenge, and my mind kept going through wordings, for how I could explain that I was writing about a stream of consciousness, and about how my entries aren't really planned. And then I'd catch myself doing that, and try to stop myself because it defeats the point, and then I'd find myself thinking about how I'd thought about things I wasn't meant to think about, and how I could write about that, and it was all just horribly messy.

It has taught me something about how my mind works though, or rather, it's reinforced something that I already knew. When I think, I think in terms of narative. I don't think visually, or even particularly audially either, I don't think, but rather I think in terms of the story. How one thing leads onto the next. How a implies b. This applies to a lot of things that I already knew about. It applies to how I write (very bad, and very occasional) fiction. I leave out all the details, because they aren't important to the way that I think. I just put in the bare bones of the narative. The what actually happens. A detail only gets mentioned if it's somehow relevant. There is nothing incidental, because that's not how I think. It's something that I'm aware that I need to work on if ever I want to make my fiction suck less, but at the same time, I think it makes me fairly good as an oral storyteller, a narator or an orator. And then there's my dreams. One of the things that one often hears is that people don't dream in colour. Of course, you only actually have to talk to a few people and you realise that that simply isn't true. Or at least, it's a gross over generalisation. Personally though, I don't dream in colour. In fact, I don't even dream in images most of the time. I just dream in narative. I don't actually see things happening, I just get a vague internal knowledge that that's what happens. There are some instances when I actually see things, but that's only when they're actually important points for getting across what's happening. So, for instance, if i need to see that the man I'd been dreaming about isn't actually a man at all, but a giant, then I'd likely see him, in very vague undetailed sense (that was in a dream I had the other night). Or there was another one from a long while ago that I remember when I'd been running in and out of buildings hiding from people, and I suddenly found myself with a great big field in front of me so I couldn't hide, and then I actually saw the big open field. And similarly, I can dream in colour, but only if the colour is actually a necessary part of the dream. Which happens very rarely.

But anyway, the point to all of this is that this method of thinking clearly effects my LiveJournal entries, which I hadn't realised before. As I go through the day, I think about things, and the way that I think is a narative. And that means that when i come to write things down, I've already written them in my head, even when I don't need to, because that's just the way that I think. Well, i thought that it was interesting anyway.

I had a somewhat stressful day today, although looking back on it, it really shouldn't have been all that stressful. My dad came to visit earlier, which he hadn't done for a couple of months or so beforehand. this necessitated some degree of tidying and cleaning, and general house pride (can you call it house pride when you don't live in a house?) which is definitely a good thing for me, because I recognise that it's Good and Healthy, but I'm very lazy and unmotivated normally, so I need a kick up the backside to actually do that. Then after that, I had to deal with various userdoc related crap. Or rather... not crap. That isn't a fair assesment at all. It was just some stuff that I'd been doing, which I'd hoped to ignore today, but I was getting various questions about it, which meant that it wouldn't have been good to ignore it all, so I tried doing as little as possible to try to quell the questions, which didn't work as it led to more questions, so I ended up stressing over it,as I was trying to rush through all this as it was happening shortly before I was expecting my dad to arrive, and I needed to shower and get dressed. Vaguely annoying, and rather stressful, but almost entirely my own fault for dealing with things badly.

But then my dad did arrive. And he had a box of goodies, such as mail that had been sent to my parents' house for me (not all of it junk! it included a cheque for £25 which isn't to be sniffed at), some doorstops (which work much better than the chair and large cardoard box that I had been using to do the job and other stuff). We also chatted for a bit, and also discussed various other things, such as the things that I still need for my flat. Like curtains. And a wardrobe. Stuff like that. Attempted to measure off on the wall with a 30cm ruler, which is always fun. especially when the wall in question is behind a rack of clothes. And stuff.

When he went, I decided it was time to destress, which I did with the aid of about half a tub of icecream (green and black's chocolate ice cream, which is sooooo good. real dairy icecream made with real chocolate. more actual chocolate in it than a lot of actual chocolate, judging by the taste, and all organic, if you like that sort of thing, and di I mention that it was good?) and a movie. Which after a bit of deliberation, I decde to watch the Addams Family Values as a nice bit fo light hearted fun. I think that that was the first non-animated film that I ever owned on video. I got it for Christmas one year, I think. Obviously it was a good gift, since it stil amuses me no end, and has since been upgraded to DVD. And of course, I had a crush on Wednesday Addams at the time (or possibly it was on Christina Ricci, but I don't think so). It also occured to me that Gomez and Morticia are sort of like what every goth wants to be, that they'd settle for Wednesday, but really, most of them don't even make it up to the level of Fester. It's sort of like the Granny/Nanny/Magrat thing from discworld. And that's going back to the thinking in narative thing again. That's another thing that I thought of at the time.

And now that's all that I can think of to say. I don't really feel that this succeeded as a stream of consciousness type entry. I just think to much during the day to be able to report on that sort of thing without repeating the things that I'd already thought about. Maybe I should do an entry at some point where I don't actually try to talk about anything at all, but just type and see what comes out. that will probably end up being a complete load of bollocks though. I don't know. This is probably a good place to stop here and now though.

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Heh, most, if not all, of my entries tend to be stream of consciousness ones, I just sit and type and what I'm thinking comes out of my fingers! :D

Same here. Though I have a horrid suspicion half of mine comes out of my arse... O.o

This reminds me of me in some ways. I couldn't write a stream of consciousness entry at all easily, because the way I think involves constructing sentences and narrative.

I most definitely plan my entries in my head before I write them. This is partly because I don't have time to update all that often, but I think it's mainly just the way my mind works. I plan my sentences before speaking them, too, which means that I sometimes get praise for speaking like a book, but I also get accused of being posh or patronizing.

My dreams definitely are narrative-based; I quite often hear a voice in my head describing events, or dream that I am reading a book describing what happens. But I don't think they are so extremely non-visual as yours. The visual side is definitely incidental most of the time, though.

i keep a constant narrative of my life in my head, and have for as long as i can remember. but it doesn't lend itself to the polishedness of your entries, and it might be because my narrative is still very stream-of-consciousness...

See, what actually happens is that most of the things that I write about in here are things that I've played around in my mind somewhat beforehnad, which means that I generally know how the different threads of my thoughts interconnect and so can weave them together into a coherent whole that looks somewhat planned. I guess it's a useful skill.

I don't think that's very much different than the process one goes through to write a timed essay. (And some of us like your "scheming".)

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