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Biscuit: The Musical
delirium happy
rho
In the supermarket today, I had a random craving for — and so bought — some bourbon biscuits. This stirred in my head, a random memory, which I share with you now to prove that I am a great big dork.

It was the summer of '99. Me and some guys from school1 didn't have a band, and certainly didn't try remotely hard. What we did do, however, was take a holiday in Scotland. And while there, we also bought some bourbon biscuits. And things would have ended there, but for one sad fact: these bourbons that we bought were the wrong shape. To my sensibilities at least, this was deeply disturbing. Allow me to quote:
Bourbons are also reassuringly uniform in size regardless of the manufacturer. Perhaps Bourbon biscuits could form the basis of an SI unit of measurement, with biscuits being measured in Bourbons e.g. the digestive has a diameter of 1.13 bourbons, or that ocean liner is 7.6 kilobourbons long, or wavelength of light emitted by that Argon/Krypton laser is 46.1 nanobourbons. I'm sure you see what I'm getting at.
These Safeway Savers bourbons, were not only the wrong size, but also the wrong shape. They were, in fact, the shape and size that one would expect of a custard cream. Scandalous.

Like any self respecting unrepentant dorks, we felt we only had one option open to us. WE would write a song about it. Bourbon, from a hypothetical Biscuit: The Musical. Miraculously, I still remember some of it:
"It sure is rather squat"
"It certainly is not!
It's a spectacle that must be seen;
It's sufficiently wide
That the ratio of its sides
Is closer to the golden mean."
I'm fairly sure that we also had a second stanza, but alas, I can no longer remember it. I am happy to announce that Biscuit: The Musical remained hypothetical, and no further songs to it were ever written.

[1] It would be uncharacteristicly generous of me to fail to mention that one of them was slovakia and therefore save him from having to be associated with such rampant dorkiness

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Aah, memories. Something reminded me of this song just the other day, and I can't for the life of me remember what, except that it wasn't some Bourbon biscuits.
"It's spongy and it's burnt!"
"By now you should have learnt
That this is how a Bourbon's meant to be;
Its sponginess is fine
Its colour is divine
For its hue is of a deep mahogany!"

"That must be rather steep!"
"In fact, it's rather cheap!
Your reasoning is somewhat strange;
You can find them anywhere
But for prices that are fair
You can buy them from the Safeway Savers -
(buy them from the Safeway Savers)
Buy - them - from - the - Safe - Way - Sa - vers
Raaaaaaaaaaange!"

Eye thankew.

(Oh, and we might even have got as far as a couple of half-lines into the second song of the opus, Pesky Fox's Biscuits.)

You either have a far, far better memory than I do, or you have that written down somewhere. I'm not sure which is a scarier prospect.

But of course... I have an excellent memory for useless crap, like digits of pi or stupid songs written 7 years ago. Unfortunately it doesn't extend to more practical things, such as the names of people who've introduced themselves only five minutes previously, Lambertian lighting equations, or where I put the key to the shed.

I probably do still have the notebook we wrote it down in though (along with He is the very model of a music impressario, surely the crowning glory of that holiday). I definitely have the MIDI file.

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It makes me happy tha I'm not the only person who composes musicals about the mundanities of life. Plus out of shape bourbons are a freak against nature.

Meh, too drunk to comment.
xx

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