I was thinking earlier today that maybe I'm too closed off to people. Too defensive. Too cynical and sarcastic. Too willing to expect the worst from people. I was thinking that I ought to try to give humanity another chance, let down my defences a bit, and adopt a more positive frame of mind.
These were the thoughts going through my mind as I set off to walk to the supermarket this evening. I was tired and grumpy and really didn't want to go. Outside has people in it and people are scary. I forced myself into it, though, since starving to death didn't sound terribly appealing either.
And then I got reminded just why I hate humanity so much. The walk to the supermarket takes about ten minutes, and in that time, I was the recipient of insults and abuse from two independent groups of random people I didn't know.
First there was a woman who was staring at me as if I had a giant fluorescent green boil instead of a head. I looked the other way as I walked past, since I don't particularly like being stared at. She asked me if I was a man or a woman, to which I replied "yes, thank you" (OK, slightly rude answer, but no more than the question deserved) which prompted another member of the group she was with to shout incoherent abuse at me. Yay.
Then probably about 50 yards down the path, I past another group of men. One of them told me that he "really loved me" in a sarcastic tone of voice while trying not to laugh, and another informed me that I was a "fat fuck". Thanks for that.
I was holding back tears for the rest of the shopping trip, until I got back home, when I finally let a few out. This is not, I hasten to add, because I give a fuck what the mental midgets I encountered tonight think about me, but because I am just so completely fed up with being a constant target.
It's a lesson that I started learning when I was about eleven or so, and which is still being reinforced today. Avoid people. People are dangerous. People are out to get you. Every person you don't know is another potential person to be abusive towards you.
More and more recently I'm feeling that the world doesn't want me, and that's fine because I want nothing to do with the world either.
Just keep on trying till you run out of cake
- In which rho is even more bitter, cynical and hate-filled than usual