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delirium happy

Just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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Hopeless bleak despair
delirium happy
I'd like to talk to you about depression. Actually, this is a lie. I don't like talking about depression at all, because doing so means remembering. But I'm going to talk about it anyway, because it's something that I feel strongly about and think is important.

My life two-to-three years ago was, essentially, hell. Getting out of bed was just about the hardest thing I have ever done. I would spend quite literally hours trying to motivate myself to do it. I would use every cheap trick that I knew, on myself, to try to force myself out of bed. Every ingle movement I made required effort and concentration. The idea of having any sort of direct contact with another human being was terrifying. The smallest things could make me just sit and stare at a razor blade for 5 minutes and wish that I could manage to find the motivation to just kill myself. I had no concept of happiness at all. It wasn't that I was unhappy. I just wasn't anything. I had no concept of feeling anything at all. Emotion was an alien concept. It was a life entirely without joy; without hope; without life.

Now, I'm far from socially functional even now, but I a massively better than I was then. And I can say with all honesty that I cannot think of a single thing that I fear more than living like that again. I would take torture, the death of loved ones, or global nuclear war before I would go back to living like that. Just thinking about it now is making me shiver, and making my breathing laboured.

And yet, at the time, I didn't think there was anything wrong. I just figured that this was the way that I was, and there was no point fighting it. I didn't want to be happy. In fact, the thought of it scared me. I knew how to be emotionless and lifeless. I knew how to always recede into a corner and never say anything. I didn't know ow to be happy, or sociable or any other number of good things. And if I don't know how to do something, then there's a risk of failure. And I figured that it was better to not try than to fail.

Which clearly was a load of bollocks.

But my mind was so far gone at that point, tat I didn't realise it. I didn't realise much.

And this is why I'm making this entry. I know that there are a lot of people likely to be reading this who suffer from depression. There are some people who have had depression but have overcome it. There are some who suffer from depression but are fighting it every inch of the way. And then there are some who know they are depressed but don't know how to do anything about it, and there are almost certainly some who don't even know that they're depressed. And it's to these last two groups that this entry is addressed.

If you find it difficult to motivate yourself for anything or if you feel emotionless or if you feel that you don't want to be happy then it is likely that you are suffering from depression, to some degree. And if you are, then remember that depression can get as bad as I described above, and worse.

Therefore, if you are, or think that you may be, suffering from depression then for the sake of all things holy please do something about it. For one, seek medical and/or psychiatric help. They may not be of any use to you, but then again, they may be. And for two, do things. A lot of things can seem big and scary and doing them is the absolute hardest thing in the world, but doing them is, in my experience, one of the surest ways to fight against depression.

And I am willing to offer support of this nature to anyone. I am not willing to sympathise with anyone about how much their life sucks. I am willing to sympathise with friends about specific things that are making their lives suck at the moment. I am also willing to provide a kick up the backside or any other sort of motivation for anyone suffering from depression. I'm also willing to share my experiemces, and what I have found to work for me.

Because I really don't want to see people who I care about go through the same hell that I've been through.

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:: wordless drive-by hugs from a fellow survivor ::

Thanks, darlin'. I feel the same.

I used to be depressed, too. I won't go into too many details, but suffice it to say that it wasn't fun at all. Anyway, in my experience, it seems that people who are depressed won't accept any help until they've felt the depression out and decided it wasn't for them, THEN they will ask for help. It's sad, but it seems like that's the way it is. :/

I've been depressed for 6 years. For a long time, it's outlet was self-destruction. This past year, (despite recent slipups), I have been fighting it. Working on pulling myself out of the hole, etc. I'm doing a reasonably good job. I'm considering getting a therapist in Szeged, though. I used to have one. I need one.

Do you know how you overcame the depression? How it resolved? Surely it didn't happen of its own accord? You are doing beautifully. You've done a lot for recovery, it seems. You know how to avoid relapsing back into depression. It's to keep going the way you have been, to continue taking steps in the right direction, to continue discovering yourself.

You're beautiful, rho

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