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delirium happy

Just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria
delirium happy
So who here knows anything about biploar disorder? I ask because I wonder if I have tendencies in that direction. But on the other hand, I worry that I also have hypochondriac tendencies, so who knows.

That I have depressive tendencies is news to approximately nobody. The way I tend to describe depression is this: imagine that you're doing something like skydiving. You're about to leap off the plane, and even though you want to do it, there's something holding you back. You have to put a concerted mental effort into actually making the leap. Depression is when you have to put that mental effort in just to put one foot in front of the other. It's where there's a fog between your brain and your body and everything is out of focus, and nothing really matters anyway.

And occasionally, not often, but occasionally, I have spells where I'm the exact opposite of that. I particulalry remember one instance, when I was in 6th form, where I started leaping over desks and then banging my head into a wall. These are, I guess, mania. I had such a spell last night. Everything was more vivid than normal. More urgent. Instead of being held back from doing things, I couldn't stop. The instant I thought of doing something, I did it. There was no self-censorship, and no holding back. I couldn't sit still, and had to be doing things. Had to press things through. It felt like instead of having underactive neurotransmitters as is the case with depression, I had overactive neurotransmitters, that were overpowering the negative feedback (and bleh. I can't remember enough neurochemistry to remember the proper name for that).

So, two questions, for those who know what they're talking about. Firstly, is what I describe consistent with my tentative self diagnosis of bipolar tendencies. Secondly, given that I don't actually get that way very often, would I be correct that it isn't actually something that I should consider problematic?

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Well, I have actually been on an SSRI in the past (fluoxetine/prozac), although at the time I was also taking another drug (androcur) which just happens to be a clinical depressant, so...

OK, a brief psychological history of me. Firstly, I am non-specificly MtF transgender. I could write huge long entries or essays about where I stand on that front and still only scratch the surface, so I'll say non-specificly and hope that I'm right in guessing that you're knowledgable enough to have a vague idea of what I'm talking about. I started getting treatment for that at about the same time as I left home for the first time, at 18. At around that time, I also dropped fairly heavily into depression, which pretty much stopped me from leading a normal life for several years. Essentially, I spent most of my time in bed. It was during that period when I was on both a depressant and an antidepressant at the same time, but not for very long. The combination generally just messed me up in the head (more so) and I came off both of them. I've had episodes similar to the one I described, infrequently but consistently throughout this time. I wouldn't want to try to quantify the frequency, because I honestly just don't know. My sleep patterns throughout have been exceedingly messed up. When I was at the "never getting out of bed" stage, I essentially just slept when I was tired and not otherwise, which resulted in me sleeping at all hours of the day, and sometimes for 15 hours of a day, and sometimes for none of it. Recently, I've tended toward just needing a whole lot of sleep in general, but with fits of insomnia, that I don't really know how to deal with, as I'm still not used to trying o keep regular hours again. Last night, after what I described, I essentially stayed completely alert until about 5am and then became very tired, but still with some of the elements I described still ongoing. As if my brain was wanting to keep going, but my body was having none of it.

In general, I'm just a nutcase. I'm not convinced as to how useful or applicable I find DSM IV as it applies to me. I have a general high background count of being messed up in the head, so the specifics tend to get all lost and smeared together. As I mention down-thread, I'm not looking for some quick fix, or just to put a label on something, I'm just curious if other people have experiences that match my own at all, and if so if they can offer me any advice. And I feel as if I'm not explaining myself at all well tonight, but oh well.

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