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delirium happy

Just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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delirium happy
The other night, I randomly started to feel cranky and irritable for no particular reason. Then as I was lying in bed failing to get to sleep, I realised what the problem was.

Let me start with an analogy. A few days ago, I was playing Guild Wars with isabeau and phoenixdreaming (skill capping in Snake Dance, for those to whom that means anything). I kep making a lot of dum mistakes as I was playing. Nothing major, mind, just lots of silly little mistakes. I apologised for this, saying something along the lines of "Meh. I'm sucking today. Sorry guys." To which phoenixdreaming replied that she hadn't seen me doing anything particularly bad. AFter a moment's thought, I realised (and stated) that the problem was not so much that I was playing badly, as that I knew full well that I was playing nowhere near as well as I am able, and that that was probably more irritating to me than to anyone else.

And so it goes with the last LJ entry I posted. A few people mentioned it was an interesting line of thought. Nobody has said that they hate me, or that I'm stupid, ignorant, insnesitive or borish. Objectively, it might be considered a "good entry". The thing is though, I'm really not happy with it because it isn't the entry that I had meant to write. There are bits that were worded all wrong, bits where I didn't properly elaborate on the point I wanted to make, and bits that I should have said but missed out entirely.

This tells me two things, both of which are annoying:

1. I may be developing a perfectionist streak. This would be highy irritating, because being a perfectionist requires a whole lot more effort than being a lazy bum who says "eh; that'll do" (which is my normal thinking).

2. I need to lighten up when it comes to writing on LJ. The process needs to be: have thought, write it down, carry on. The process is currently: have thought, not be motivated enough to write it down, sit on it for a few days, continue thinking about it, finally get around to writing about it, find that the final entry isn't worthy of several days of thought. Which, of course, makes me less motivated to write next time.

It's all very annoying.

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I do that sometimes: complain and or apologize that I'm not playing Scrabble well, when the board and the scorepad show that I'm doing just fine, because it feels like I'm not up to snuff, or I know that I'm not doing the amount of letter-scrambling and board-watching that I normally do.

Similarly, I posted about a piece of jewelry I made. It was a fine beginner piece, but it took me a couple of days and quite a few comments from people who liked it to get past "that's not what I had in mind when I started" to see that.

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