ρ (rho) wrote,


Not really sure what I'm going to write about here. I'm feeling somewhat off-kilter though, so I figure that sitting down at a keyboard and just typing and seeing what comes out might help me figure out what's on my mind. Of course, it might also just end up with a rambly and useless stream of consciousness, but that's what lj-cut is for, right?

My life has been kinda weird recently. Or actually no, that's not true. Or at least, not any more true than it normally is. It would be more accurate to say that it's felt weird. I guess that the big difference may be that I've quit playing Guild Wars. The short version of that is that it's a combination of me getting bored at the game and frustrated with many of the people I play with. The slightly longer version is that there seems to be a difference of opinion as to how our alliance is run. Personally, I got fed up of always having to be nicey nice to everyone even when they were being idiots, whereas other people seem to think it's imperative to do that to maintain peace and harmony.

It's weird, in a way. That's pretty much the exact same reason I stopped hanging about #lj_support and one of the reasons I quit support itself. It's also not dissimilar to why I eft #afp way back when. It does make me wonder if it's actually my problem, rather than anything else, but I look at it and I try to be objective, and I honestly think that I'm right. Having annoying idiots around makes me miserable and grouchy and generally not enjoy socialising with a group. And from that it does seem entirely logical that it should pay to not be welcoming to people who show signs of being idiots. Sure, you lose a few potential members that way, but to my mind, it's worth it. Just a pity that nobody else seems to agree with ornery little old me.

Maybe it's just that I don't play well with people (no, really). I suppose that as someone who is generally a misanthropic loner, it would make sense that I get annoyed by people more easily than others, which would presumably move the threshold for acceotance/wariness at which the optimal strategy lies. Oh well. I've mentioned my problems before, and got a coupe of half-hearted patronising "yes dear"s in reply, so it's time for me to move on. I'm generally good at cutting my losses when something starts causing me more frustration than fun, so that's what I've done.

It makes me wonder though. The other week, someone – possibly faeriecween – did the "who's been commenting in my journal" thingy that does the rounds from time to time. I was bored, so I downloaded the thingy and looked at who the top commenters on my journal were. Looking down the list made me a little sad. So many people on there who I used to be close to, but who I've either completely or almost completely lost touch with.

I know that I'm absolutely horrible at keeping in touch with people, but actually seeing this list of shiny people who I'd lost touch with laid out in front of me was very revealing. The thing is, I value several of the attributes that make me crap at keeping in touch. I'm independent. I don't tend to need other people. I'm capable of entertaining myself and don't need other people around to be happy. And they're good things, but they can go too far. And doubly so when I'm depressed. When I'm depressed, my instinct is just to retreat as far into my shell as I possibly can. And that in itself isn't too unreasonable either. When I'm feeling crappy and am overpeopled, my tendency is to go somewhat catatonic. Or to have a panic attack. Or to cry a lot. Or generally to react in a particularly unfavourable way which is best avoided. And of course, it's nigh on impossible to predict just how much is too much. So the easy way out is just to avoid people wherever possible. This is not good for me, of course.

As if to punctuate this, sarianna phoned me the other night. She would be a prime example of a shiny person who I used to be close to but have drifted out of touch with due to my general social incompetence. Fortunately for me, she is stubborn, and did not give up on me, even through many months of being unable to get more than a grunt out of me and my antisocialness. The other night she asked if she could phone me, and in a rare moment of agreeableness I said "sure, why not?" rather than looking for excuses instead. Three hours of nattering about Star Trek, cheese and the House of Lords later, and I'm remembering why we used to be close, and how if I feel like I suck for not being sociable, avoiding being sociable so I don't have to apologise for it is really stupid, and stuff like that. I need reminding of these things from time to time. Sometimes, I'm just not very bright.

So yes, that was a good thing. And a timely reminder of stuff as well. Note to self: try to be more sociable. Even though you hate it sometimes. Anyone have any ideas for how to suck at that one less?

Anyway. Yes. As I was saying. Have quit Guild Wars. Which makes me sad because it was a social thing for me as much as it was a game, and I'm going to be losing that now, and probably end up losing touch with people, even as I try not to. But I'm fairly sure it is the right thing for me to do. Not yet decided whether I'm going to buy Nightfall (the expansion pack due out in a couple of weeks or so), but if I do it'll probably be a case of playing through it once on my own rather than anything more.

The interesting thing about this is how much time it's freed up. The way I was operating, whenever I had nothing else that I was particularly wanting or needing to do, I just tended to load up Guild Wars by default. (Yes, I know that's not healthy, but very little about my behaviour is, so let's ignore that one shall we?) It's very noticable how much time it actually ate up now that that default option is gone. Of course, having extra time is good, but it's weird that I don't really know what to do with it. I'm currently mostly either playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion or watching Stargate SG1 DVDs, both of which were recently purchased, but they're both short-term stop-gap solutions. They do at least stop me from spending all my time in bed though, which is definitely a plus.

Obviously, longer term I need to learn how to actually spend the time productively. Or no, that's not true. It's not a matter of learning how. It's a question of improving my mental health to the extent that I can do some of the stuff necessary from being productive without ending up curled up in a corner in the foetal postion. and it's a question of figuring out which selection and order of small steps will get me there.

I'm feeling very much like a drifter, though. Just following the currents where they take me. Fighting against them doesn't really seem to be worth it, since I know I'm not well enough to really finish any journey that I start. And having a psychiatrist off sick for something like 6 weeks (at an estimate since I cna't be bothered actually looking up the dates) doesn't particularly help on that front.

I'm also feeling a whole lot like clay or putty recently. Like I'm just a blank lump, waiting for someone else to shape me. Someone (anonymous, since it was a friends-only entry) recently wrote about self-perception, asking about how people compare their self image with their self-reality. The question of how one feels one "ought" to be, so to speak. Which for me was odd; in most ways I don't really feel as if there's any particular way I ought to be. The exception, of course, is the gender stuff. Maybe that's the reason. Maybe everything else just feels unimportant compared to that. I don't know. An example used in the post I mentioned was hair colour. As I commented there, if I woke up tomorrow with blonde hair, then I wouldn't be bothered. Except for the whole "How the fuck did that happen? Did someone break into my flat while I was asleep?" factor, that is. But I just don't particular see that it matters much what colour my hair is. In fact, I'm contemplating doing something random and frivolous to my hair again, Because I Can. shehops suggested dying it red, but with the front bit blonde. sarianna suggested blonde and purple streaks. Not decided yet if either of those particularly appeal to me sufficiently to overcome the general apathy and laziness that I carry.

I have the same nonchalance about many aspects of myself; not only about how I appear, but also in what and who I am. There are, I guess, a few beliefs that I hold deeply which are fairly unshakable, but mostly I feel like a blank canvass. I feel that there's potential within me for being many different things, doing many different things, but that none of them seem particularly worthwhile or interesting to me. I don't know how to interpret that. Possibly just extensive world-weariness that's left me uncaring. Possibly a fear to commit to any one path. Maybe just a genuine flexibility and laid back acceptance.

And I think I shall stop writing here, not because I've run out of things to write about, but because I've started getting so heavily distracted that a sentence is taking me about 10 minutes.

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