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delirium happy

Just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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Because LiveJournal is cheaper than therapy. And doesn't have waiting lists.
delirium leaving
I'm in such a large rut at the moment it isn't even funny.

I'm spending a whole lot of time in bed, which is always a bad warning sign with me. Sleeping for a long while, then not getting up for a while when I actually wake up, then going back to bed for naps at least once pretty much every day. Yeah, that's not good. I have absolutely nothing that's filling me with enthusiasm just now, so I'll be awake for a few hours, poke at things, then figure that since I'm not doing anything anyway I may as well go and not do something in bed. No, this doesn't make any sense.

I'm feeling very much on the periphery of everything and not really involved again. There are people from within my social circles who I think are nifty, and would like to get to know better, but instead of actually doing anything I just sit back and friend-crush on them from afar. And whenever I actually manage to find the energy to take the initiative and do something it inevitably seems to go wrong somehow, most probably because I'm looking much harder for negatives than for positives.

Friends are going through hard times at the moment, struggling and fighting and working damn hard to drag themselves back to how they used to be, and get over their scars... and I'm feeling jealous of them. I always feel as if I have nothing to aim at, because I haven't really been entirely not-depressed since I was about 10, and that sucks. And then I feel guilty for feeling jealous, because honestly, feeling jealous of friends who are going through a rough patch is a pretty shitty thing to do.

On the other hand, I'm seeing friends who are managing to sort their lives out, and while I am happy for them, the happiness is tempered by a feeling of "well that's all very well for you, but I'll never manage to get myself to that point". Again, this leads to feelings of guilt.

I'm being a generally crap friend in a lot of ways, and can see myself drifting away from people and losing touch, due to my crapness at communication, and that sucks, but I don't know how to fix it.

I'm on a hair-trigger for a whole lot of things. I'm getting anxious or upset or offended by things that I normally wouldn't bat an eyelid at. I'm taking everything way too personally, and generally being about as emotionally unstable as an extremely emotionally unstable thing. I'm particularly being very gender-triggery at the moment. Pretty much anything can lead me down a torturous train of associations into gender related woe and angst, which is about as fun as it sounds.

I'm still feeling awkwardness over both my failed relationships from this year, and I hate that. The people involved are all extremely important to me, and I just want everything to be right, and for me to stop having confused mixed feelings whenever I talk to them.

I'm second-guessing myself on pretty much everything that I do. Is my motivation for this really what I'm telling myself that it is? Do I not have some more nefarious motivation behind it? Does this actually make me a horrible person?

I'm still feeling way too stressed and upset over the crappy drama with ue_ferret, mogruith et al and I just want them to go away already and never have to even be reminded of their existence ever again, except I can't do that because we have mutual friends and I absolutely will not, now or ever, tell my friends who they can or cannot be friends with.

I had a random asshole on the street shout homophobic abuse at me a few weeks ago, which is one of the occupational hazards of being me, and which I normally manage to shrug off with no problem, but this dipshit managed – purely by chance – to land on a sore point for me, and I've been feeling uneasy about leaving my flat at all since then.

I ran out of food the other day, because getting myself presentable then leaving the flat and buying more was just totally beyond my capabilities at the time. And of course, low blood sugar didn't help me feel better. (Did manage to go and get food the following day, mind.)

My hair is a godawfully knotty mess at the moment, and will likely take hours to get back into some semblance of tidiness.

I really really strongly want to make my life not be my responsibility for a while. Don't care whose responsibility it is, just so long as it's not mine. Part of me wants to go running back to my mummy. Part of me wants to be involved in some very very submissive BDSM. Part of me just wants to have a good old fashioned nervous breakdown and be institutionalised for a while. The rest of me knows that none of these are going to happen and that I'm just going to have to deal.

I just generally don't like myself very much at the moment, and have no clue where to start making myself more into someone I want to be.

I have all sorts of various Stuff that I know I eally need to deal with, but I can't even manage to bring it properly to the forefront of my mind, let alone actually do any of it.

My head feels like it's on the verge of exploding from having too much random crap flying around inside of it. Hopefully writing some of it down here will help me feel less stressed.

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*snuggle* I wish my internet situation were such that we could talk more.

I can but offer much *hugs* to you and a friendly shoulder should you need it... It would be great to talk with you again!

(Deleted comment)
You're human. I feel bad about it, but sometimes I feel annoyed and envious when people I know get diagnosed with diabetes. They're always upset, and they should be - it means having a reasonably serious disease and having to make lots of life changes that aren't fun. But dammit, you can manage diabetes. And if you manage it, you can significantly reduce your risks and symptoms. And I have problems in my eyes that look a whole lot like very late stage diabetes and because I don't have diabetes, there is nothing I can do to prevent future risks. If I had diabetes, at least I could ~do~ something. And then my problems would also be fairly well understood. Although at this point, getting it wouldn't help at all and would make things much worse. But diabetes is the thing we have most ruled out, since it'd be such an obvious cause, and I clearly am not diabetic.

But just because it would have been better for me to have been diabetic doesn't mean it's good for anyone else. I know that's stupid reasoning. But I just want to say - do you know how much worse it could be? But... that's stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So, I don't.

Humans. We're weird critters.

I hope things get better for you.

I always feel as if I have nothing to aim at, because I haven't really been entirely not-depressed since I was about 10
Part of me just wants to have a good old fashioned nervous breakdown and be institutionalised for a while.
These two things I understand completely and utterly. For the last 3-4 years I have been trying to establish, through a plethora of approaches, where 'normal' is for me, because I just don't remember what it was like to be 'ok'. Similarly, the frustration at frequent relapses and having no clear direction to push my progress on has frequently left me saying "well wouldn't it be easier just to let go and hide in my own mind and its illogical, diseased patterns", because, when there is no remnant of who you are left, you can create a new person, who is happy.

But, and I'm sure you know this too, it's simply not true. There is no rock bottom, there is no point where you can step away from the depression and start anew, the way out is *always* through. Hanging on is always better than letting go, because even if you aren't moving forward you are at least in control of staying in the same place.

All of this, everything you have written here and are feeling is bred of one thing and one thing only, the black fog which spreads and receeds through the mind seemingly without reason. When you manage to push through this, and you will, all these thoughts will be shed. No doubt you recognise this too, but for me it is always useful to hear it and remind myself that I am not suddenly seeing the truth about myself, but that I am hearing the conclusions made by my ill brain, the conclusions which do not take reality into account and seek only to destroy everything I am. Keep resisting, keep reminding yourself that people care and that in itself proves your worth, keep fighting, if only with a single punch a day, it's always worth it.

As always, I'm here if you need a fairly detached-from-your-normal-life person to talk to.

For the record, I (still) happen to think that you're utterly and entirely fantastic. You know, in case you happened to have forgotten, or anything.

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