Log in

No account? Create an account
delirium happy

Just keep on trying till you run out of cake

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
That US tour...
From time to time, I get an invite from a friend in the USA to go and visit. jpallan, sarianna and shehops seem to be the main culprits for such a thing. One of the main reasons that I don't do such a thing is airports, and the staff therein.

See, my passport has an F in it, to indicate that I am female, whereas to someone looking at me this would not appear to be the case. This can be problematic. If it were problematic at an airport, it could be really problematic. I'm well aware that problems of this sort aren't terribly likely, especially since airport security type people in the UK and the USA are mainly on the look-out or people with darker skin and that I'm about as white as a tablecloth in a washing powder advert. However, I do tend to believe that it would only take one officious bureaucratic jobsworth or one bigoted asshole to make my life particularly unpleasant in spectacular and unprecedented ways. For sure, this isn't an entirely rational fear, but I don't think I'm being paranoid in suggesting that it isn't entirely irrational either.

And then, even if I could manage to face that particular hurdle, there'd be the question of what I'd be like when I got there. I don't tend to be very good around people. Or rather, I can be very good around people, but I can also desire nothing more than for a chasm to open in the earth and swallow me whole. The longer I spend around people, the greater the probability that I'll feel this way. And a transatlantic flight is not something that people with more sense than money tend to do unless they're going to be there for a reasonable amount of time. (By this, I don't mean to imply that I have very much sense, just that I don't have very much money.)

The net result of all of this is that, no matter how much I may want to hang out with some of my froodier leftpondian contemporaries, I always wind up being a stay-at-home instead.

I have been thinking about this. As you know, I'm slowly attempting to try to gain some semblance of functionality in my life. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist and everything. And I am, I feel, slowly getting better. Hormone treatment is gradually giving me a more feminine appearance, making me hate my own body less, making me slightly more confident. I'm making slow inroads into the depression, trying to pick off bits of it at the corner.

On both fronts I feel as if I am making slow progress, with the two moving in parallel to each other. The goal of this has been, essentially, to become functional. To be able to do all sorts of stuff that I'm not currently able to do, and to live a fuller life. This is a very vague goal, for the simple reason that I've never really bee functional in the whole of my adult life so I don't have any definite idea of what I should be aiming at.

Wouldn't it be nice, though, to have some sort of a more concrete motivator to shoot for? I'm contemplating making a deal with myself, that if I manage to attain sufficient functionality, then I will reward myself with a trip to the US. Instead of what I've previously contemplated, going across for a fortnight and visiting one or two friends, I'm thinking I might try to make an Event of it. Almost a "rho's grand tour of the USA" sort of thing, if you will.

It sounds like a neat idea to try to go out for a longer time, maybe four to six weeks or so. To travel within the States and see more than just one part of the country. To visit a whole bunch of people. As well as the usual suspects, there are people who I don't know as well, and wouldn't want to pay for a transatlantic for the sole purpose of visiting, but whom I would still very much like to meet.

Of course, this is all a long while away yet, since I'm still a psychological mess at the moment, but it's a nice thought. Still not sure that it's something I'll go with, and it will doubtless depend on where my life is when I each the stage where I could conceivably do such a thing, but still. And besides, the advantage of not being able to consider such a thing just now is that by the time I do get around to it, there's a possibility that the US won't be led by a flatulent prosimian by that point.

  • 1
I would happily have you as my guest for the Boston / New England leg of your tour in the United States and I also don't mind being called upon as a reference (e.g. telephone call in the middle of the night sort of thing, or listed on a visa application) should you have any difficulties with entry into the States. A military veteran of native citizenship with a security clearance might pass their standard of a solid citizen.

(Deleted comment)
Sounds like a neat idea, and there'll be a futon in Portland for you, should you be interested :-)

My offer to drive up and fetch you from some accommodating Canadian airport remains open. :)

You'd also be welcome to crash at the Hop Inn (ha!) for as long as you liked, and being the social-phobic introvert that I am, I wouldn't be in the least offended if you needed to spend a good deal of your time in a room by yourself. You could take the laptop with you, and if you found yourself wanting a bit of conversation you could always send an IM over to my Mac. </hopelessly geeky scenario>

I'm slightly bemused by how you manage to have an F in your passport when you are just achieving a "more feminine appearance" with hormones. But I guess I'm just confused.

Hopefully in the FUTURE airport staff will be less rude, you will be more functional and the US will be much easier to visit. Spending a decent chunk of time there would seem to be a good plan; much more environmentally sound than making multiple short visits.

Long story short: by going through a particularly weird route through all of this, going forwards, then backwards, then forwards again. I took hormones for years in the past, then stopped, due to being in too ludicrous a state of depression to get my butt to a doctor for a repeat prescription, and have just this year restarted.

Ah. I see - well, it's good that your passport says F but not so good if that causes you trouble with airport staff iyswim.

This may sound hopelessly clueless or whatnot, but since I don't know that process of the whole transgender thing, please forgive my stupid question. How do you go about getting your passport changed to F when you haven't had much done?

  • 1