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delirium happy

Just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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delirium happy
I mentioned the other day that my brain was making a concerted effort to relive all the negative moments from my past. This happens to me a whole lot, to one extent or another.

Remember when you were ten and you "borrowed" your classmate's pen without asking, wrecked it, and then were too chicken to own up?

Remember that time when you were 16 and there was that girl you liked who you tried to ask out?

Remember when you were 19 and you misinterpreted a signal from a friend and came on too strongly?

How about those two times when you were "the other woman" that someone cheated with?

Hey, remember exactly how you felt when you really wanted to kill yourself but couldn't even muster the energy to pick up the razor blade?

And what about that time when your sister in law was scathing about your nails?

Or that time when your teacher joked about how you went to a party but didn't get drunk?

And so on and so forth. I could go on indefinitely. My brain seems to be wired to remember bad things much more vividly than I remember good things. I could name countless mistakes I made, countless things I have done that I'm not proud of, countless insults that I've received. And what's more, I can recall with exacting, painful detail precisely how they made me feel emotionally, which is never fun.

It's much harder for me to remember the good times. Trying to remember the times I've been happy, the compliments I've received, the times I've done a really awesome job at something, or been proud of myself.

It occurred to me yesterday, that I ought to compile something of a list – mental or otherwise – of good memories. That way, when my brain is attempting to relive every bad memory it can dredge up from the depths, I can stage an intervention.

This is proving to be harder than you might think. Like I said, I have a much better memory for bad things than I do for good things. More bad things are going through my head as I write this, and as I try to think of good things.

I have a few in my head, which I'm going to write down at some point (provided I get around to it) but I'd appreciate it if you could help me out with good memories.

Remind me of times when I did something awesome or to be proud of, times when friends have stood by me when they didn't have to, times when I've just plain been happy about something. Anything which I can look back on and say "fuck you brain, I rock regardless of what you're trying to tell me".

(Comments are screened in case you want to share something that was personal between us. I will, however, unscreen unless you specifically ask me not to.)

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we used to play joint adom games together and you were really patient even though i was really dumb and didn't know how to play an rogue-like because i'd never played one before.

and you've been a great friend to me, someone i can relate to and someone i can talk to and stuff.

I am generally a good and patient teacher in a lot of areas, I think. That's a good one to keep in mind.

I remember years ago when you were doing silly stunts for charity! I thought you were incredibly cool for doing so. :-D

I remember that. Though a lot of the time, I also tend to remember the bits that I didn't do, or how I could have done things better with it. Which is silly, and I really need to stop doing that. It was pretty awesome, really.

I occasionally contemplate trying to do something similar at some point in the future, but I've never managed to come up with any scheme that has really appealed to me.

Remember talking on the phone for the first or second time, and you mock-threatened the then-leader of the USA just because you could without legal repercussions, and my guinea pig wheeked at you? :)

Hah! I'd forgotten about that. I remember it now, though. Good times!

I remember good memories of chatting in the Canterbury house kitchen, doing some sign language practice and walking to and from Safeway with you. You told me about your exchange trip to Russia and another trip to Iceland that you had made.

Oh, Canterbury. I've pretty much blocked most of Canterbury from my memory, since it mainly involved being depressed in bed for me, and when I actually got out of bed, it mostly seemed to involve being accosted by chavs and French schoolkids.

You're right though. It wasn't all bad. I remember the bits you mention, I think. I also remember a time when we were out in town for some reason, and some random made some sort of inane abusive remark at me (as randoms do) and I barely even noticed and just ignored it (as I do), and you turned around and shouted much more creative obscenities at him. That still amuses me to think of.

You were good at support (perhaps still are? I left first, I know that much), and friendly. I don't keep up with everyone who did support at that time, but I do keep reading you, because I like you, even though I don't say much.

You're likable.

Was. :)

I quit years ago, and really have very little clue of what goes on in support these days. I'm still in touch with a fair few current support people, though, so I hear a little, but yeah.

Thank you for the kind words.

This isn't a direct answer but yeah...I basically have periods of this too, it gets worse and I can barely concentrate on the tv for 10 minutes, sort of comes and goes and often I wind up shouting at myself, just to interrupt the stream of recollections. Anyway, for me it is related to anxiety, when my anxiety stuff gets bad I have more unwanted memories surfacing. That's one of the big reason I took Buspar for a month a while back - got the anxiety under control and the constant recollection of negative memories pretty much stopped. I wonder if the creating of a store of positive memories doesn't work as well as you would hope you could look at doing some anti-anxiety exercises, or even taking something like buspar for a while.

Good thought. The way through all this sort of crap, as you know, is to try one thing after another after another until you finally find something that works. So I'll keep that in mind for if my ideas don't work thanks.

The first memory I have of you is you patiently answering my support request (which nobody else wanted to touch) even though I was being kind of a dick. ;)

Was that the one about HELO timeouts on comment notification emails? I have a very vague recollection of something like that?

Yes! LJ was waiting like one billionth of the recommended time before giving up on sending mail, and our server was doing the long-pause anti-spam method, which caused lolfailure.

Well, there was Bayswater, which was clearly awesome. I'm fairly sure you were at least a little bit happy :)

Friends sticking by you? *cough* Argent.

You are nifty and fun and make me laugh and listen to my babbling and you clearly rock because of reasons. My brain is a little fuzzy. I suppose saying "fill in the blanks" isn't that helpful, because that's what you want us to do...

Yeah, the Argent situation was one that did come to mind quite readily for me. Still very grateful for all the support there.

As for Bayswater, all I shall say is: *snerk*

You have a certain kind of brainy creativity which I think is rather fab. E.g. the way you talk and enthuse about science, and exercise your curiosity about life and culture and everything.

I'm not sure I can link any of that to a specific memory, I just notice it in some of your posts.

I think that "enthuse" is a good word, for me. It's not something that I tend to be good at doing, or that I tend to think of myself as being good at doing, so it's good to think of situations and things about which I do get enthused.

Actually, it occurs to me that I should point out that you were solely responsible for the complete and public purplification of me. I cannot recall a previous occasion on which I have been talked into a stunt remotely like that.

Also, this was clearly quite awesome.

Ludicrous stunts and I seem to go together rally rather well, somehow.

In rough chronological order: Your essay about Occam's Razor incorporating a reference to chairs that dance the funky chicken, which Mr Shewan ended up reading out. The word 'benzoxycamphors'. The girl on the train back from Scotland who decided to start removing her clothes, and you being the only person on the entire train who wasn't remotely peturbed by this. At some college drinks event or other, launching into an argument about religion or quantum physics or something with someone that you'd only just met 30 seconds beforehand, me getting well out of the way, and returning five minutes later to see you amicably shaking hands. I'm sure I'll think of some more in a minute...

I am racking my brain trying to remember most of them, and coming up completely blank. I literally cannot remember most of them at all.

The essay, though, I can remember. It was actually an essay about parallel universes, and the Occam's Razor bit was vaguely tangential. I know this, because I managed to track down the actual essay itself in the darkest recesses of my hard drive. My exact phrase was:

"It would be quite easy to claim, for example, that all chairs when not being observed change into pigs and dance the Funky Chicken before returning to their exact same state upon someone once again looking at them"

In many ways, I really have't changed much in the past 10 years.

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