May you be repeatedly sodomised by leprous baboons from now until the end of eternity.
Since I got my new computer, back whenever it was, I've had surprisingly few problems with Windows Vista. Give the press it tends to get, I was half-expecting an experience not unlike crawling on one's belly across a floor strewn with bits of broken glass covered in lemon juice, but it's actually behaved itself rather well. Up until today.
This morning, I was happily sitting at my computer, playing Oblivion, keeping half an eye on IRC, and so on, when Windows Update decided that that very second was absolutely the best possible time for it to reboot to install its updates. Suddenly, without any warning, all my programs were shutting down, and my computer was rebooting. This is annoying enough, except that from that point on, the little fucker has refused to boot.
It gets up to the part where it says "Windows Vista" and has the little green scrolly progress bar, and then just stops and gives me a blank screen. If I leave it on the blank screen for a Long Time, I get either a BSoD, or a message saying that Windows couldn't start because the kernel was either missing or corrupt (\windows\system32\ntkrnlpa.exe). Needless to say, this is being written from my old computer.
Stuff that I have tried:
Restarting in safe mode (same deal; tried this before leaving the computer running long enough to get the error message about the kernel)
Restarting and selecting "last known good" (ditto)
Leaving the computer turned off for a couple of hours and trying again, in the hope that the planets would be aligned differently by then
Booting with the Windows CD, and telling it to repair the existing installation (doesn't work)
Doing likewise and telling it revert to a previous configuration (first time I tried this, it said it had done so, but Windows still wouldn't boot; subsequent times, it just hasn't managed to restore)
Prayer to Cthulhu ("Oh great Cthulhu, while I know that you are entirely indifferent to both my problems and my trifling and insignificant life, I am willing to offer my services to you if you help me, in the deluded hope that I may be able to provide some tiny measure of amusement to your eternal existence. Amen.")
None of this has worked.
Stuff that I have not yet tried:
Attempting to copy the required file from a CD over to my HD, using the command prompt I can get at when I boot from the windows install disc.
Canibalising an old computer for a hard drive, putting it into current computer, and reinstalling windows onto that to try to make sure that none of my data gets eaten in the process.
Partitioning current drive, and reinstalling windows onto new partition, ditto.
Doing one of the above, except installing Ubuntu instead, and hoping I can get most of my games working in crossover.
Contacting the people whom I bought the computer from, and having them fix it, since I believe it's still under warranty.
Giving up computers for good, and going off to be a nun.
Giving up computers for good, and going off to be a stripper.
Giving up computers for good, and going off to be a nun and a stripper.
Sacrificing a goat.
Asking LJ what the best resolution of this problem is.
In the meantime, expect to see somewhat less of me until I get it fixed.